Admitting My Own Deeper Issues

I have just gone through an epiphany of sorts.  For years I have battled depression, anxiety, irritability, seasonal affective disorder (worse every year) and severe PMS, the kind they now label PMDD.  After finding myself blowing up at my kids over nothing just a few too many times, I began to allow myself to examine the possibility that I myself am bipolar.  Not Bipolar I, with the giant mood swings between out-of control-mania and even psychosis to depression so deep you don't get out of bed, but Bipolar II or "Soft Bipolar" which is characterized by mood swings ranging from hypomania (overly talkative, overly energetic, maybe spending too much money, having affairs) to a nagging, gnawing depression accompanied by anxiety and even agitated outbursts at times.  I have wondered this for years, but everyone kept saying (except my husband and my own bipolar daughter) "No, you are just living with tremendous stress, it is just regular depression, it is circumstantial, you are fine!"

Well, I haven't been fine in a very long time.  Years.  And the most recent months have been full of so many incidents of me "losing it" with my kids and my husband, way out of proportion to the offenses, and years of spending money we don't have (classic hypomania),  I practically crawled into the psychiatrist's office begging for a mood stabilizer.  I knew I wanted to try Lamictal and wanted to stop the antidepressants.  I have been on at least half a dozen different antidepressants, and also lots of sleep meds just to fall and stay asleep over the last 11 years.  The antidepressants always made me feel less depressed but more anxious, go figure.  But this is a classic response for a person with bipolar disorder.  So is my response to stimulant ADHD meds: severe agitation and anger after first feeling more focused and energized.  So the new psychiatrist I am seeing concurred that given my long history (all the way back to my wild, dramatic high school years) I am probably Bipolar II and could really used a mood stabilizer.  So I have been on Lamictal for three weeks now, slowly titrating up to 100mg a day, and slowly decreasing the Lexapro I have been on.  I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!!  It is like my brain woke up and the agitation and anxiety are melting away day by day.  Thank you Lord, that someone finally listened to me and didn't just look at my put together exterior but really listened to the torment that goes on inside of me on a daily basis!!!  I long to be a much calmer wife and mother who can handle the bumps in the road that life throw at us every day with grace and self-control.  Hey everyone, listen to yourself, look at your symptoms, and know there is HELP for you too!!

By the way, I am reading a book that has helped me understand my symptoms called "Why Am I Still Depressed:  Recognizing and Managing the Symptoms of Bipolar II and Soft Bipolar Disorder" by Jim Phelps, MD.  This has been such a relief to read and just confirms what I have suspected for a while.  Please do yourself or a loved one a favor and buy this book or check it out of the library.  It could be a lifesaver!