Independence

I know it is time for Alex to get to have more independence. I can tell he wants it, and I know in my heart of hearts that I am the one holding him back – mostly out of fear.

Alex tells me, “I don’t need help!” But, I help anyway, because I want him to do it the ‘right’ way. I am constantly doing things for him that he can do on his own.  And I need to change that.

Usually I do it because I think that I can do it better, or faster, or ‘right’, and assume he won't, or can’t.  And there are definitely things I could let him do for himself, like making a sandwich or riding his bike out front with other kids.

But I can't let him do these things because Alex is Bipolar (and still isn't stable on meds) and I worry too much about the consequences.

I worry that if I allow him to ride his bike outside without me something bad will happen; he will be angry with someone, hit some, break something, throw rocks, or god only knows what else – and I won’t be there to stop him or protect him (or the other child). I keep him from going out alone because I don’t want the responsibility of his behavior around the neighbor children. I also do it because I think that if I can ‘hide’ his bad behaviors, then I am preserving other people’s opinion of him. Something that I don’t really care about, but I know that Alex does – he wants friends, he wants to play with the neighborhood kids, and what he doesn’t realize, is that one giant outburst where he threatens to kill those kids, or says he is going to burn down their house, or worse yet – actually hits them followed by destroying their things, and well, those parents are going to stop allowing their children to play with him. That's a fact.

So I keep him in. Or supervise him on his bike.

What about things he can be independent at inside?  He always asks to cook --  specifically eggs.

I fear that if I allow him to cook something or make a sandwich, he will take it to the extreme. That, when I am not around, he will start sneaking more food, he will think that he can have access to the stove and to the knives whenever he wants them. That if he was allowed to cook even ONE TIME on the stove, he would then know exactly how to turn on the gas, light the fire and during his next episode, he would use those things to start a fire – a real fire – and hurt someone or damage our home. How could I forgive myself for that?

What about easier, simpler ways he could be independent? Good question.

Alex has many independent activities that he does daily. He is responsible for all personal hygiene (dressing, washing, brushing, etc) making his own lunch, cleaning up his room (make bed, clean up toys, put up dirty clothes), chores including dishes and taking out the trash – and returning the cans to the side yard after the truck comes. He has MANY more things that he is responsible for, and each time he does them, I accept that he is going to be squirrely, screw around and otherwise create new messes. But I can handle it.

When he is alone in the shower, he squirts my soap and shampoo down the drain.  The ENTIRE bottle.  He is just barely getting past this, and I have high hopes that I won't have to remove it from the shower completely, maybe just a reminder each time will work.  Either way, he is learning, and I am dealing.

When he makes his own lunch, he sneaks things in his lunch box that he thinks I won’t notice; which is only an issue because of his over-eating, food hording, and otherwise challenging food behaviors that stem from being starved as an infant, not knowing when he is full (sensory), and now his medicine that makes him feel hungry all day every day. But I deal with this.

When he takes his clothes to the laundry room, I know that he is going to mess with the soap, pour the detergent on top of the washer, perhaps behind it, and throw food wrappers he has been hiding behind the washer/dryer and otherwise find things to mess with. He once put ALL of the liquids – detergent, fabric softener – into the washer, then filled it with more clothes, and turned it back on. Which is better than the time he poured all of the Costco-sized detergent bottles behind the dryer – what a mess that was. But, he takes his own laundry to the laundry room. He also helps fold laundry, and puts his clothing away (to which he changes what is in each drawer, regularly, rearranging on a whim, which then causes stress for him the next time he gets dressed because his clothes aren't where they belong).  And I deal with any problems that may arise from it.

I have him unload the dishes, and although I wince a little at him climbing the counters, I figure we all did that as kids, and he will live. So, he puts away everything he can, aside from the knives, which are in a locked drawer, (which, for the record, he knows how to open). But, while he does the dishes, he also takes it upon himself to go through all of the drawers, taking out other things that were NOT in the dishwasher, playing with them, and then lies that he found them in the dishwasher. “Alex, I have not used the rolling pin since Thanksgiving – I KNOW that wasn’t in the dishwasher. If you’d like to see it, or use it, or learn about it, ask.” Or even “Yes Alex, I KNOW that this whisk wasn’t in the dishwasher, I don’t use it – EVER. You need to ask.” To which he just lies more. But, I have him do the dishes anyway, because he needs the responsibility and I deal with the lies.

I have him take the trash out, and the recycling. But, I know when he goes into the garage; he is screwing with everything he can get his hands on. Last summer he took out frozen OJ from the garage freezer and ate half of it – which isn’t really the problem – he then hid the other half behind the Thanksgiving Dishes, inside of a basket of Indian Corn, which then grew baby fruit flies like you’ve never seen. He will go and touch everything in the tool bench, rearranging tools, putting things back where logically they just DON’T GO, and then my husband will come home and be upset that I wasn’ t supervising him. He is getting better at this, slowly maturing to the point that he has already touched it all and there is nothing new.  So, I have him take out the trash and the recycling anyway.

I feel like each thing I allow him to be ‘independent’ with requires a great deal of work for me, to clean it up, to handle the lying, or mess, or other problem that stems from it. I have to accept the responsibility of his independence, but it is hard.

I am already overwhelmed, completely, by parenting such a high-needs child. I want desperately to teach him to be independent, to make his own decisions and to have to live with the consequences of his mistakes; that is how we all learn.

But I am worried about those consequences, because really, I am the one that has to live with them too. I have to live with whatever he chooses to do – to the house – to the neighbor kids – all of it.

So why is it that his independence seems to come at that price? Does it mean he isn’t ready – because trust me, he tells me he is ready all the time, or is it really just me that isn't ready?

I feel like if Alex showed any level of maturity at all – consistently – then it would be easier to take a leap of faith. Allow him a short leash, so to speak, to venture into more tween appropriate activities. But he just isn’t trustworthy.

Will he ever be?

I have a life of rules, of boundaries, of routine and structure. Those things were put in place to give comfort and security to Alex. He is the one that prompted our life style. But that structure – routine – predictability – has given me something more valuable. Safety.

But that doesn’t change the fact that Alex is asking for what he needs – he is showing the most ‘neurotypical’ characteristic, which is a child's desire to move away from their parents’ control, and be independent.

This is one of those things that there should be a manual for.

Yet, as I finish writing this, Alex is standing in my room, crying, complaining and pushing me with his words because he can’t figure out what to eat – and he can’t find his shoes.

“You told me today that you don’t need my help – that you want to do things for yourself.” I say, “So, think about what you want to eat for snack and find your shoes.”

“I don’t want to!” he yells, “I want to lie here and be lazy!”

I guess I don't have to solve this problem just yet.

Anne